I jolt myself awake. It was 0141h. I’ve only been asleep for ninety minutes. that is enough for one sleep cycle. Enough for your mind to dig deep, take various information, pictures, people and make them into a story. With meaning or without.
I tried really hard to convince myself it was just a dream. And it was. I woke up this morning, feeling weary and heart-heavy.
I was part of a martial arts club. Trying really hard to be one of those in the top ranks. He was training me. He was honest and hard on me. He was just how I imagined a good trainer should be.
It was our last session before he was in for a Motor GP, an annual car race of sorts that comes along with it thrill and perhaps, a chance to cheat death.
"You are a silent fighter. We are the same kind. We should talk some time once I am back," he said. And he left for the race ground. Something moved the tenterhooks of my heart. Suddenly, he could be the one. No doubts crossed and for once in my life, I was willing to wait and I did.
Race day came, I was on the ground watching, I wanted to see him win. I wanted to be excited and yet nonchalant. As I waited, words came that his car veered off course crashing and the only possibility was death. I refused to believe. But his friends confirmed.
"He was with a partner, they are almost together."
No, he said he’d be back for me.
It broke me. Who would believe me? I didn’t cry. Silence wrapped me and there was no one else I could talk to. Who would believe me? He didn’t tell anyone because we were suppose to talk. That’s how relationships happen between two people. Just two. With whom should I grief? Was I just overthinking what he said?
I woke up with an empathetic grief and a bothered mind.
I don’t think I can deal with another case of maybe this could be the one. The entire day my heart sank. As strong-willed and head strong people assume me to be, the reality is, I do not know if I can deal with another real-life maybe.